Second Stage: Peony: April 2019

songs

Ukulele Cover: Taylor Swift - ME! (feat. Brendon Urie of Panic! At The Disco)

April 27, 2019
By kyrayu
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poems

Ukulele Cover: BTS (방탄소년단) '작은 것들을 위한 시 (Boy With Luv) feat. Halsey'

April 13, 2019
By kyrayu
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crafts

Stripped Macrame Bracelet (with youtube tutorial by Macrame School)

April 10, 2019
By kyrayu
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notes

25th Note-Medical Check-up

April 10, 2019
By kyrayu
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Image Source: verymom.com

I might be one of those people who's not really a fan of medical check-up (anyway who really is?). Which was very stupid of me. I know that it was stupid, so I might as well blame my stupid insecurity and my stupid anxiety.

I was often sick as a child. It was around high school I stopped being hospitalized (which happened once a year before then). It took me years to beat my chronic gastritis which was another story. I'll talk about it later, may be in the thirties note or something.

I was and am too thin for my own good. My height was around 163-165 cm (not too sure about this), and my weight usually is only around 41-43 kg. I've never even reached 44. And don't even mention about me being too thin. Because I'm freaking aware of that. And I do mind it a lot. It's not that I don't want to gain some weight, I did try, but they just don't work. Whenever I feel stressed out, I can't bring myself to eat. Which sadly happened too often.

There was this one time when a certain someone told me directly on my face that she disliked me for being too thin. Well, now that I think about it, may be she meant it good, but being told by somebody you barely knew, about her disliking your figure was sure not a nice encounter. She even asked me whether I did it on purpose (being too thin) and I surely was pissed of at that time. Because nobody ever told me that, not even my family. On top of that I've already had stomach problem since I was a child, so I'm pretty aware that it would be hard for me to gain some weight, because my stomach doesn't work like any normal people's would. And I always do mind it a lot you know, being too thin. That's one of the reason why I always wear couple of clothes and jacket when I have to go out. To cover up my too skinny body.

And back to the topic. I kinda have thought being a patient is like being a suspect. I have this feeling of guilt whenever I have to see a doctor. It was like I've committed some crime and the doctor would just interrogate me and would judge me for ruining my body which made me feel like I had sinned. I know that it was in my head, but I'm pretty sure could never get along with any doctor. I won't visit them if I could help it. Just drink some medicine and sleep till the illness gone. Nowadays, it works anyway.

Being hospitalized a lot sure left me some trauma. Like I said before, we were quite poor back then (not so poor, but yeah you know what I mean), so whenever I had to be hospitalized, my mother would borrow some money from our relatives. And it really pained me so that's why I tried my best to get better. We'd gone to various kind of mantri (medical practitioner, usually a nurse who had so many years of experience and had a practice just like a doctor but without a doctor's license), doctors, and even quacks. Told you before it's finally over when I was in high school. Thanks God.

Lately I still do have gastritis, but it's no that bad anymore as long as I could control my stress. I've been out cold and all, just normal kind of illness, but my coccyx is sometimes hurt a lot, especially when I sit for too long. And when I visited a doctor, she just straightly pointed out that my butt was just too flat. How I hate being too thin.

There's another thing, I could never trust blood pressure measurement, because I tend to get nervous whenever I have one. I don't think it works for me, since I could feel my heart beat faster every single time I have to do it. Dunno why but just blame my anxiety.

And that's for this 25th Note. Honestly I'm more worried over my mental health rather than my body nowadays. Because mental illness is like a hired assassin which would kill me slowly inside and outside and before I realize it, I'd be too late. Doesn't mean healthy body is not important, after all this body is something you're lend to, so take care of your body, drink/eat healthy, do some exercises, like I'm one to talk. Finally stay healthy everyone.