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| Intermezzo (Image Source: https://www.mindful.org/mindful-cup-tea) |
Here we go. Random talk part III. First I do feel bad for not posting anything this past week. And I'm so sorry for myself for not fulfilling my monthly postings last month and this month too because of various reasons. You see I have a lot of things I want to do but and I was desperate to realize all this things on my lists. See, things like the things that I want to do in the past but was unable to do because I thought too highly of myself and was too greedy for my own good which made me forget one thing.
I'm just a freaking weak human being. There's things I could and couldn't do. I should know my limits better than anybody. I should know when to give up. This was such an irony. I was the most pessimistic when it came to anything else but my own ability. I hate you, me.
And it was already gloomy even from the very beginning. As expected of me. May be because I haven't had a cup of tea yet.
Honestly speaking, I'm not in a really good condition right now. I swear I won't consummate any instant noodles anymore this month. Because the last time I did I felt my stomach was going to explode. And it still hurts till this moment. Well that’s not the only reason, though. I am definitely am currently in my shrinking moment. I know this feeling too well. Might as well enjoy it. I think I could make a lot of dark poems at this moment.
The reason? Well, I’m not in love.
Okay, Fine. I’ll stop. This phrase is getting rather old.
I’m about to face another war today. A war I was unable to win last year. And I’m anxious. And depressed. And panic. And cold. And exhausted. And sleepless. And am so scared. God, all I want to do right now is just balling my eyes out. And I haven’t even faced the war yet.
How did I pass through this feeling again. I wonder. May be by stop listening to dark songs like Lovely by Billie Eillish.
And what again that I want to say,
Well, this is what I actually wrote some weeks ago in April before I went to shutdown. It's not thing serious really, just some awful episodes of my mental health issue which I'd rather not to talk about at this rate, because it was just really awful and talking about it won't make any difference at all.
Because I'd walked through it.
And to my surprise, I felt nothing afterward. Instead, I fell for another series of shutdown and this time I couldn't even point out the reason for these overwhelming ugly feelings. I was just sad for nothing. Having nightmares, existential crisis, and panic attack for no particular reason at all. I shouldn't wary of my feelings, yes, right. Not that I could dodge em anyway.
And let's just move on anyway.
Honestly I still feel bad for not posting daily anymore, I just couldn't fulfill the quota and started rethinking the very reason why I started blogging in the first place.
The idea was to express what I couldn't express either through some notes, songs, crafts, poems and etc. And now I'm pretty sure couldn't do them when I was having my shutdown moment. I don't want to make this blog become my trash dump and change it into a private blog later on just like what I did to my previous blogs (because they were way too dark and way too personal). So I'm sorry for not keeping my promises. But please understand.
And another thing is I'm honestly kinda surprised that my ukulele cover gained more viewers than this blog. It was rather unexpected and I don't even know what to say. Sure it's great and all, but it was just sad. I should be thankful though. I couldn't even dream to surpass a thousand viewers before (a hundred was already great for me). It was just crazy. I just hope that I wouldn't get blinded by numbers. There's nothing good coming from the quantity of numbers. Just take it easy. And do what you like to do, me. Anyway Thank you for visiting my ukulele cover on youtube and for liking and disliking em and as well leaving some comments there. It means so much for someone like me.
And lastly, thank you for reading this post and keeping up with me. There's a lot I want to say, but I'd rather talk about them in another post because I'm afraid I couldn't word them out better. And have a nice fasting for my Muslims fellows.
