Last month was ridiculously an ok month, I guess. And yeah I've found that there's no point in apologizing anymore. Feeling sorry for myself is not even work anyway. I just feel content.
I just feel nothing.
Empty.
We're empty. May be we're trying, trying too hard.
Ok, agh, it's been a long time after all since I've written something at all. Basically I did nothing worth mentioning this past month. But one post for a month is a bit inconceivable, I guess. I took my lifeless stance a bit too far.
And yet, I'd finished one hell of a test in which where my efforts were going down the drain. I mean I did study you know, in fact a whole night study, and yet none of the things I studied before were coming out during the test. And for some reason it didn't surprise me anymore. It happens too frequent that I've lost my feelings.
It's just that after the test I can't pull myself to write anything in English (the main reason why I haven't posted anything). Since English had let me down. I just can't believe that there were a lot of questions I was unable to answer during the English test. But then again I read a light reading after all. What to expect?
But that's that. Let bygones be bygones.
So, as you can see from the title of this post and the picture above, from this note I just want to clarify some troublesome stuff and I'm actually tired of this misunderstanding, and this whole expectations of me, myself, which I can't fulfill anyway, and I don't want to force myself to fulfill em anymore.
Because I've given up.
I'm tired, dude. I'm way too tired to even start a new love.
Ok, fine. sorry about that.
First thing first. I'm not smart. So please stop those overstatement about me being this smart ass person in class who's quiet yet unyielding. God, what even am I talking about? unyielding, huh.
Just because I was pretending to be a wallflower during lessons and gave no question at all to the teachers or lecturers doesn't mean I understand everything. I just didn't know what to ask. I'm that much stupid. And anyway I have this habit to lean on the Internet. I once asked my brother about something related to computer before, and you know what he said? Google it.
Since then I never bothered asking and just google things out.
Though I also admit that I always waited for some certain friends to ask question in our stead during the class. Well, every classes have these special friends who would ask questions we dimwitted snowflakes unable to voice out. I'm always thankful for your participation in class, dude. I still am.
I do love exam though, especially the paper test. It's not because I like competing with the others. It's not about who's getting the higher score, since in a sense during the exam it's not your peers you're against with, it's the test itself. I'm so proud of the elementary six-grader me for discovering this earlier.
Not that I enjoyed studying at all. But I did study a lot before, so saying that I was smart because I passed the test was insulting to the efforts I had to pull off during those hellish session of studying.
Even if I said that, my grades weren't that amazing or anything either you know. So I still wonder why does everyone assume that I was clever at all. Is it about the glasses? Is it the silent mode during classes? Is it because I read?
What's so great about reading manga anyway?
Or does it because I have this indifferent attitude wherever I go?
That was just a mask. I had zero confidence when facing the crowd so I always put on a facade like everything didn't bother me while in fact I was so self conscious of myself so I pretended like I didn't even exist.
My very persona was this pitiful coward you know. So stop overestimating me.
Second. I CAN'T speak Japanese. Like for goodness sake. If I could I would bury the old otaku me for using Japanese greetings a lot with my friends before. It's just greetings though, how could they expect me to be familiar with Japanese language at all. Forget Japanese, let alone English, I'm still stuttering to even speak in my own language.
Alright, I do read manga, with English translation. I also watch a lot of anime, also with English subtitle. So what the hell they have anything to do with me being able to gain Japanese language. Instead, I got to learn English from those activities. And even worse, I can't even differentiate hiragana and katakana.
Third. I'm not an expert in playing any musical instruments. Sure I learn to play guitar before, but I was never an expert of it. The best I could do were just to perform some basic chords. The same with ukulele. I can't play piano, at all. And I'm suck at playing trumpet as well harmonica. I think the best I could play is just recorder.
Fourth. There's nothing about me worth praising at all. Even I myself have realized that I did things half-assedly so I don't expect people to care at all. It's just that being complemented for who and what you're not is too exhausting. The expectations are just too heavy to shoulder and are suffocating me. I am just your regular nerd you could find everywhere, nothing special. All I want to do is just to read my reading list wattpad and manga and light novel and ya novel, and watch k-drama and knowing brother series and anime and movie, and working from home without having to associate with people at all. If I could just live this leisure kind of life, it would be great. Then again dream is supposed to be big, right?
