 |
| Intermezzo (Image Source: https://www.mindful.org/mindful-cup-tea) |
Hello there. How's life? I hope wherever you are right now, things are going to be okay. Hopefully this pandemic will end soon.
It has been such a long time since I posted something here. I guess I'm sorry? Honestly this is one of the hardest years for most of us. Really what a ride. Like a ride to Mordor-Eldia-Hell and back. There's just a lot of things that I want to tell you that I don't even know where to start with. So this is gonna be another post about me talking about, unfortunate and fortunate things.
First, about the test for Public Servants. It was supposed to be held in March but it got delayed due to pandemic and was held in September. Did I pass?
Well, I did study before the pandemic broke out, and stopped studying like for 2-3 months because you know, why would I study when there's no clear information whether the test would be held at all?
Which I regretted anyway. I don't even remember what I did during those months. I took staying at home campaign very seriously, and spent my time doing absolutely nothing.
It was in August that the test info was updated. At the end of August for God knew why, it just somewhat crossed my mind that I had to check whether the other applicants had this certificate for teaching or whatever it's called in English.
And it turned out, one of them did have that certificate.
And I'd fallen to another episode of mental break down like for a week.
I didn't go to work for a week, and was kinda having a shut down, like I even blocked everyone, and any sort of communication and social interaction. To be clear I had both mental/physical break down. I was sick a day before I found out about this thing. And things were just getting out of hand.
I don't know, not that I have anything against those applicants who work their butt to obtain the certificate. I know it was not easy either to obtain one. It just that at that time I thought it was unfair.
Because everything was sealed even before the test began that those who had the certificate would get a freaking full score. So it's like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I was meant to fail, since I got second place for the first test to begin with. And mind you the cumulative between the first and second test were 40:60, so you see.
I kinda stopped studying until a week before the test, and decided to study anyway since only fools who went to a battlefield (a test session) without practice.
I kinda joined a telegram group where everyone just share the materials for the second test and one of the members mentioned that she didn't pass the first test and was just there to genuinely study. Shame on me, shame on me.
So I did study, and my score was okay, I guess. I still failed anyway, and end of the story.
Good thing that my family and cousins let me had all the time to recover. They were pretty supportive, even though I kinda ignored them back then.
Second, it was about my mother.
My mother has been hospitalized for 4-5 times this year. I can't even remember the exact numbers. The last time was on September, when she got admitted 2 times in a row.
But it was in July when it was like we had no way out, like there's only grim future, everything seemed hopeless.
My mother has been diagnosed with diabetic for many years already. My aunt passed away due to the same illness, and not even a week passed after her passing, my mother was admitted to hospital.
She lost her hearings and was unable to talk for awhile. She literally forgot about a lot of things, like her vocabularies just suddenly disappear from her memories. A day before she was unable to sleep since her feet felt like burning. She did go to the hospital before but they just gave her some medication. I think it was around 10.00 pm that she screamed that her head felt like it was going to explode and she started muttering about random things.
My father brought my mother to the hospital and it turned out her sugar level was higher than 400.
When we went to the ER, my mother cover herself with blanket and didn't let anyone see her face. And it was the start of our nightmare.
I was with my father at that time when we witnessed my mother became a 3-4 years toddler.
She literally didn't recognized anyone, not me, not even my father, and kept talking in baby language. She kept calling her mother, sometimes even called me mother, she acted like a toddler, kept saying she didn't want anything not even water and food. I won't elaborate what else my mother did to make me say that my mother acted like a toddler. To summarize that was the worst night I have ever had.
During the day she still didn't recognize anyone, and refused to drink and eat. Even when we forced her she just spitted her food, to my face. Around afternoon when her condition didn't get any better, some of our big family members came to read surah Yasin (even though we were in pandemic, and actually we were denied of any kind of visit, but it was emergency. I'm sorry)
It was at midnight when she regained consciousness.
An early symptom of diabetic nephropathy. A condition when a person has a high blood sugar lever for quite a long time that it attacks the nerve systems. Thus, that's the reason why my mother felt her feet were burning, lost her hearing and her memories, was unable to talk and acted like toddler. When her blood sugar level got lower, she started to regain her memories and recover.
God, that time when we knew nothing about DN and that my mother would recover at all. My father kept mentioning that my mother already lost her memories and I thought she's not gonna recover and I kept crying from time to time. It was a sunny morning with a blue sky when I just felt so hopeless and cold to the bone like there would be no future at all. Now I lose all my longings for blue sky. It just doesn't matter.
Since then, My mother has been in a tight diet to control her blood sugar level, though in the end she was still admitted to hospital again last month for different reasons now. We still don't know what it is about. I just wish it's nothing serious.
Third, I could finally ride a motorcycle.
I know, it's a freaking simple thing. I should have started from a long time ago. But no, curse the trauma and my cowardice.
But hey at least it is good news, right?
Fourth, another good news, my sister in law finally gave birth to a beautiful girl yesterday. I'm officially an aunty 😊.
Really, what a ride, right?
As always thank you for reading this. Once again I hope everything will get better and better for all of us.
