Image Source: Rainy night road by trist521 on DeviantArt

It's almost midnight and it's raining. 

I could hear my mother's groans now and then, the discomfort she gets after dialysis. It's getting worse I bet. She barely could sleep peacefully for months now. 

I'm counting days now. Not a single day without feeling helpless yet grateful for the days granted living like this. For the moments. For a complete family. For me wanting to die early.

I hate how the biting cold of the night always make me so vulnerable.

I hate how I always have this excessive feelings. When you felt too much, yet so little that it's not enough.

Why am I even here?

It's almost midnight and it's raining. 

Am I allowed to make prayers when I flaunt misdeeds here and there?

Am I allowed to heal when I hurt another in the process?

It's almost midnight and it's raining. 

I just want to rest. Just to close my eyes and hide in dream. 

I don't have to be me there.

Image Source: Unsplash

Hello there. Nice to meet you. Wherever you come from I wish you well.

I bet you're new here. Of course you're new, since I've changed my blog name and probably have lost all of my previous readers in the process just because I don't want to be discovered. Just because I don't want them to find me. I love going undercover anyway.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here. Writing a private journal like this, seeking comfort from strangers since I have nobody to trust. I can't express my feelings well. 

Now that I thought of it I am the type to listen to everyone's problem, giving them my piece of thought, while in the other hand hide all my feelings away. There's nobody I could share my feelings with.

Not because they're not good people or something, it's just me. I can't put my trust on them as much as they could put their trust on me. I just can't. I was this fragile self-pitying type of a person from the get go. 

Well, I really want to stop this negative writing style. But I guess for this post, it'll just get even more darker.

To be honest I don't even know how to describe my feelings right now. Like I thought I was getting better, like I didn't mind everything, got my life together, put my heart in a piece. But it doesn't seem so. I can't even figure out in what stages of grief I am right now.

There are just so many questions I can't answer, so many feelings I can't define what they actually were. I usually could relate to people's feelings, it's easy for me to understand their feelings, like I could feel what they feel. Yet my own...

It's just so ironically funny.

Even when I'm sad and feels like I wanna cry, I can't. I need to feel people sadness in order to cry. I can't cry with just my own. So I listen to sad songs watch sad videos or movies in order to cry. Guess I'm already broken.

And I'm tired. 

I'm tired of my own drama, so I stay away from everyone. I don't need more dramas. It's already exhausting.

Why did we have to get to know each other if I'm the only one who get hurt anyway? If only I could turn back the time. How cliche.

But no, I don't even like turning back the clock. Like I said, I'm just way too exhausted at this point, that I don't even want to change anything.

It's just... fate. There's nothing I could do. People come, people go. 

So do I.

I try to make new blogs, a couple of them, but then I give up on them. Just because I'm so fond of this blog. Honestly I can't get over with the theme of this blog. It's just so perfect for me. Thank you Way2themes. You're really a life saver.

I might continue writing again, though I can't promise I would do it frequently. I might restore some of the posts that I hid before because of certain someone. Now that it's over I feel disgust towards my past self. How could you fall so hard for someone you barely knew. So stupid.

But at least the fire is back. I have no choice but to move forward even though it feels so futile right now. Hope someday, just one ordinary day, it'll be just fine.

You'll be just fine.