Image Source: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/anxiety-and-escapism-a-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

Hello, How are you doing? Hope you’re doing good wherever you are.

After a number of blogs, and now another blog. It’s been a long time since the last time I’ve wrote something, anything.

I need it though. For escapism.

I’ve been contemplating a lot lately. Like what I’m going to do with my life, my career, myself in general. After 30 years and in the end it has always been about me.

At some point I wonder if I’m really needed by anyone. Like what role am I playing right now? What could I really offer? Can I make someone happy at all? While I’m like this.

It just feels too much right now. Like everything is just so unbearable that you get choked up while breathing. Like when you’re running out of words to say so you have this awkward moment of silent yet everyone’s being still, keep waiting. Or like when someone the least you expect to hurt you, bleed you dry.

Sometimes a little mistake could cause a decade of heartache.

What does it matter. In the end, here I am. Running from everyone and myself. Anything to feel less nothing.

I need to run.

I need to hide.

I need to feel okay again.

So here I am.

Hello, It’s me, again.

Image Source: Rainy night road by trist521 on DeviantArt

It's almost midnight and it's raining. 

I could hear my mother's groans now and then, the discomfort she gets after dialysis. It's getting worse I bet. She barely could sleep peacefully for months now. 

I'm counting days now. Not a single day without feeling helpless yet grateful for the days granted living like this. For the moments. For a complete family. For me wanting to die early.

I hate how the biting cold of the night always make me so vulnerable.

I hate how I always have this excessive feelings. When you felt too much, yet so little that it's not enough.

Why am I even here?

It's almost midnight and it's raining. 

Am I allowed to make prayers when I flaunt misdeeds here and there?

Am I allowed to heal when I hurt another in the process?

It's almost midnight and it's raining. 

I just want to rest. Just to close my eyes and hide in dream. 

I don't have to be me there.

Image Source: Unsplash

Hello there. Nice to meet you. Wherever you come from I wish you well.

I bet you're new here. Of course you're new, since I've changed my blog name and probably have lost all of my previous readers in the process just because I don't want to be discovered. Just because I don't want them to find me. I love going undercover anyway.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here. Writing a private journal like this, seeking comfort from strangers since I have nobody to trust. I can't express my feelings well. 

Now that I thought of it I am the type to listen to everyone's problem, giving them my piece of thought, while in the other hand hide all my feelings away. There's nobody I could share my feelings with.

Not because they're not good people or something, it's just me. I can't put my trust on them as much as they could put their trust on me. I just can't. I was this fragile self-pitying type of a person from the get go. 

Well, I really want to stop this negative writing style. But I guess for this post, it'll just get even more darker.

To be honest I don't even know how to describe my feelings right now. Like I thought I was getting better, like I didn't mind everything, got my life together, put my heart in a piece. But it doesn't seem so. I can't even figure out in what stages of grief I am right now.

There are just so many questions I can't answer, so many feelings I can't define what they actually were. I usually could relate to people's feelings, it's easy for me to understand their feelings, like I could feel what they feel. Yet my own...

It's just so ironically funny.

Even when I'm sad and feels like I wanna cry, I can't. I need to feel people sadness in order to cry. I can't cry with just my own. So I listen to sad songs watch sad videos or movies in order to cry. Guess I'm already broken.

And I'm tired. 

I'm tired of my own drama, so I stay away from everyone. I don't need more dramas. It's already exhausting.

Why did we have to get to know each other if I'm the only one who get hurt anyway? If only I could turn back the time. How cliche.

But no, I don't even like turning back the clock. Like I said, I'm just way too exhausted at this point, that I don't even want to change anything.

It's just... fate. There's nothing I could do. People come, people go. 

So do I.

I try to make new blogs, a couple of them, but then I give up on them. Just because I'm so fond of this blog. Honestly I can't get over with the theme of this blog. It's just so perfect for me. Thank you Way2themes. You're really a life saver.

I might continue writing again, though I can't promise I would do it frequently. I might restore some of the posts that I hid before because of certain someone. Now that it's over I feel disgust towards my past self. How could you fall so hard for someone you barely knew. So stupid.

But at least the fire is back. I have no choice but to move forward even though it feels so futile right now. Hope someday, just one ordinary day, it'll be just fine.

You'll be just fine.

https://zayatr.blogspot.com/

Dear whoever read this blog.

How's life going? Hopefully wherever you are, you're doing fine.

I guess this will be the last time I update this blog.

God, I'm actually quite fond of this blog. Nevertheless I have to move on.

And that, the picture above is the front page of my new blog, which I was really eager to start at first but now feel reluctant to even post a thing. Well, not that I have anything particular that I could share.

These past few months were just a bit too much.

My mother had been in and out of hospitals and I actually got the job that I thought I failed to get. And then the moving out thing while my mother was still in the hospital. New job, new rented house, new environment, new colleagues, and the old anxious, timid, anti-social, depressed, overwhelmed, stressful-me. Not the best combination to be honest.  

Actually my mother just got out of the hospital yesterday. She's recovering now. Thanks God, my sister finished her study earlier. So aside from my father she could look after our mother.

And thus, I think I'm entering the third stage: Pine Needles. Which means, though I'm not in really stable condition, my current job is pretty stable now. And I've got to move out as well and live by myself. And God knows what's going to happen from now on.

The reason why I'm starting a brand new blog is well, since everything is pretty new to me, so why not start a new blog as well. But then I realize I love this blog way too much after all. Still, this will be the last time.

If you're a reader of my blog, though I doubt that I have a reader at all, thank you for sticking out with me. And thank you for visiting my blog. My next blog would be pretty much the same, just a bit more like a journal.

And I kinda promise myself to not talk about love and stuff on my next blog. So, this will be the last time: I still can't move on from him after all. I still love you ***.

Well that is that, and this is this. Good bye Second Stage: Peony. This stage of life was quite a ride. There's just so many things happened. Good or bad, this stage is finally concluded. And I could feel that I've changed as well.

So, see you on the next ride.

Yours sincerily

kyrayu

P.S the new blog is here. There's still not a single post though.lol

Actually I won't update that blog since I can't come to terms with the design.

Here's the new blog:  https://lakyrayu.blogspot.com/

Intermezzo (Image Source: https://www.mindful.org/mindful-cup-tea)

Hello there. How's life? I hope wherever you are right now, things are going to be okay. Hopefully this pandemic will end soon.

It has been such a long time since I posted something here. I guess I'm sorry? Honestly this is one of the hardest years for most of us. Really what a ride. Like a ride to Mordor-Eldia-Hell and back. There's just a lot of things that I want to tell you that I don't even know where to start with. So this is gonna be another post about me talking about, unfortunate and fortunate things. 

First, about the test for Public Servants. It was supposed to be held in March but it got delayed due to pandemic and was held in September. Did I pass?

Well, I did study before the pandemic broke out, and stopped studying like for 2-3 months because you know, why would I study when there's no clear information whether the test would be held at all?

Which I regretted anyway. I don't even remember what I did during those months. I took staying at home campaign very seriously, and spent my time doing absolutely nothing.

It was in August that the test info was updated. At the end of August for God knew why, it just somewhat crossed my mind that I had to check whether the other applicants had this certificate for teaching or whatever it's called in English.

And it turned out, one of them did have that certificate.

And I'd fallen to another episode of mental break down like for a week.

I didn't go to work for a week, and was kinda having a shut down, like I even blocked everyone, and any sort of communication and social interaction. To be clear I had both mental/physical break down. I was sick a day before I found out about this thing. And things were just getting out of hand.

I don't know, not that I have anything against those applicants who work their butt to obtain the certificate. I know it was not easy either to obtain one. It just that at that time I thought it was unfair. 

Because everything was sealed even before the test began that those who had the certificate would get a freaking full score. So it's like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I was meant to fail, since I got second place for the first test to begin with. And mind you the cumulative between the first and second test were 40:60, so you see. 

I kinda stopped studying until a week before the test, and decided to study anyway since only fools who went to a battlefield (a test session) without practice.

I kinda joined a telegram group where everyone just share the materials for the second test and one of the members mentioned that she didn't pass the first test and was just there to genuinely study. Shame on me, shame on me.

So I did study, and my score was okay, I guess. I still failed anyway, and end of the story.

Good thing that my family and cousins let me had all the time to recover. They were pretty supportive, even though I kinda ignored them back then. 

Second, it was about my mother.

My mother has been hospitalized for 4-5 times this year. I can't even remember the exact numbers. The last time was on September, when she got admitted 2 times in a row.

But it was in July when it was like we had no way out, like there's only grim future, everything seemed hopeless.

My mother has been diagnosed with diabetic for many years already. My aunt passed away due to the same illness, and not even a week passed after her passing, my mother was admitted to hospital.

She lost her hearings and was unable to talk for awhile. She literally forgot about a lot of things, like her vocabularies just suddenly disappear from her memories. A day before she was unable to sleep since her feet felt like burning. She did go to the hospital before but they just gave her some medication. I think it was around 10.00 pm that she screamed that her head felt like it was going to explode and she started muttering about random things.

My father brought my mother to the hospital and it turned out her sugar level was higher than 400.

When we went to the ER, my mother cover herself with blanket and didn't let anyone see her face. And it was the start of our nightmare.

I was with my father at that time when we witnessed my mother became a 3-4 years toddler.

She literally didn't recognized anyone, not me, not even my father, and kept talking in baby language. She kept calling her mother, sometimes even called me mother, she acted like a toddler, kept saying she didn't want anything not even water and food. I won't elaborate what else my mother did to make me say that my mother acted like a toddler. To summarize that was the worst night I have ever had.

During the day she still didn't recognize anyone, and refused to drink and eat. Even when we forced her she just spitted her food, to my face. Around afternoon when her condition didn't get any better, some of our big family members came to read surah Yasin (even though we were in pandemic, and actually we were denied of any kind of visit, but it was emergency. I'm sorry)

It was at midnight when she regained consciousness.

An early symptom of diabetic nephropathy. A condition when a person has a high blood sugar lever for quite a long time that it attacks the nerve systems. Thus, that's the reason why my mother felt her feet were burning, lost her hearing and her memories, was unable to talk and acted like toddler. When her blood sugar level got lower, she started to regain her memories and recover.

God, that time when we knew nothing about DN and that my mother would recover at all. My father kept mentioning that my mother already lost her memories and I thought she's not gonna recover and I kept crying from time to time. It was a sunny morning with a blue sky when I just felt so hopeless and cold to the bone like there would be no future at all. Now I lose all my longings for blue sky. It just doesn't matter.

Since then, My mother has been in a tight diet to control her blood sugar level, though in the end she was still admitted to hospital again last month for different reasons now. We still don't know what it is about. I just wish it's nothing serious.

Third, I could finally ride a motorcycle.

I know, it's a freaking simple thing. I should have started from a long time ago. But no, curse the trauma and my cowardice.

But hey at least it is good news, right?

Fourth, another good news, my sister in law finally gave birth to a beautiful girl yesterday. I'm officially an aunty 😊.

Really, what a ride, right? 

As always thank you for reading this. Once again I hope everything will get better and better for all of us.