Second Stage: Peony: 2019

31st Note-Colors

September 20, 2019
By kyrayu
0 Comments

Image Source: Ragan.com

Might as well name it rainbow, not that I’m really a fan of a rainbow. It was one thing, but I really don’t like it when people mix all those bright colours as a theme in public places. It’s just too eye catching for me. For this me, alright. That’s just my opinion. No offence to those who like it.

I choose the topic of colors, since I’ve finished writing my version of calm-matured song. It took me quite awhile to finish. After all it’s been more than 9 months since the last time I wrote a song. Rather than a calm-matured song though, it’s quite a simple one. Even less than two minutes length. I just think it’s better this way. I’m not good at writing long song.

Why colors? Because I named the songs after 3 colors. It’s still about the peak of ‘moving on’ and that’s why I choose these colors to express my feelings. Rather than a hate song or a sorry song or a regret song, it’s more like an acceptance song with no ill feelings. Unrequited love sure is a tough love. And you only have yourself to blame since you are the one who expect things. But then again it’s not only left you with bitter feelings. Whether you admit it or not, there’s also this happy moments as well.

So just brace yourself, it’s happening, and clinging to that feeling is never a good choice. Because what is not meant to you, will not be yours no matter how much you want it, no matter how hard you push yourself to have it. That’s why we have to let go and just freaking move on.

And that’s it, I’m really excited about this new song and really really want to record it, even get the cover ready. But I don’t think that I could do it in the mean time. Just checked the microphone I bought before and the quality is just getting even worse than before. What kind of mic do those people use for recording so flawlessly anyway?

So enough about the song, let’s just talk about colors.

I just realize that I don’t particularly have any favorite colors, not that it matters. Rather, I love colours in certain things/objects. For example I love the deep blue color of the deep blue sky after raining. And quite the contrary, I hate the pale blue color of the sky in dry season. I’m quite obsessive with the red on the lips, that’s why I only use red lipstick. I love the yellow of the sunflower even when I don’t like wearing yellow clothes, though I do wear one. And I love my gray sweater so much. I also love white paints on the wall and the pink of the cherry blossom.

What else, I love the dark brown, maroon, and moss green colors for doing macramé. I love the purple house in front of the k-24 drugstore. Everything was purple; the wall, the door, the window, the curtain, the flower pots. And I’m not even a fan of purple. But they look so lovely. And I like wearing black accessories though I don’t like black shoes. So to put it simply I don’t really have an exact favorite color. I can’t even choose one.

And I was and still am the type of people who wear clothes with mismatching colors. And truthfully I’m pretty aware of that, but I’m a total slacker when it comes to fashion. A total fashion disaster. I wear whatever convenient for me.

There was this one time when I went to college wearing these three kinds of colors; a shocking bright blue skirt, a moss green sweater, and a brown veil. My friends didn’t say anything back then; their faces were enough to tell me what kind of disaster I had been put on myself.

And I still am a walking fashion disaster. I sometimes wear this brown trousers and brown blouse with light green veil. And it’s actually my get up for work. I keep telling myself in front of mirror this: “You are now an awesome darn tree”. And that’s it.

I guess when it comes to clothes, the colors just don’t matter, what it was made of is what really matters to me. I’m fine with anything comfortable to me as long as I don’t have to iron them. I will dress properly in an important occasion though.

Finally, if I have to describe myself in color, then it would be either gray or black, or between. I guess now you already know just what kind of person I am.

notes

30th Note-Doomed

September 12, 2019
By kyrayu
0 Comments

It is just what it is. Image Source: COP Distribution

I’m doomed.

And that’s it.

I’m pretty much a goner now. I mean, what the point of writing that 22th note back then? What the point of writing all the stuff about giving up, letting go, and healing, and all those craps about moving on if just one single ‘like’ would destroy all of my ‘moving on’ campaign? Isn’t that a little bit too much?

I should have just started falling in love or started new relationship or whatever. But no, I was too comfortable with the void pace that I don’t even feel like starting anything. Not that I think that I’m capable of doing so. How do I get rid of this feeling again? Cover it?

They said that when you were broken hearted you just have to give yourself some time and sense every pain you’re supposed to sense until they all become less and less painful, till you feel nothing at all. But I’m not even broken hearted.

No, this is not right at all.

I’m such an idiot.

There’s no one to blame but myself now. I never expected a respond, though I did want to leave a message. And it was such a trivial thing too.

I covered Afterglow by Taylor Swift. The idea is simply because I love the song (and Cruel Summer was beyond my league), and because I know that all my friends were on this a lot since they’ve started family, and also I want to say sorry to everyone for everything.

Who would have thought that he, all of people would like it.

I shouldn’t think too much. It was nothing at all, might be a coincidence, there’s no meaning behind it. Ignorance sure is bliss.

My phone has been broken for months, and all I have just the midnight internet, and I don’t even use it that much since I can’t fight the sleep. So this morning when I checked instagram on my lepto, I yelled and startled my colleagues. Unable to suppress my feelings I just closed the leptop just like that.

Dear me, it was so freaking trivial.

I could never tell them what it was about. I hate myself for getting so hype just for such a simple thing.

And this happened when I’m writing this calm-mature song about reaching this final stage of moving on. I got the lyrics ready, even got the melody set for the chorus. Seriously, what to do now?

I’m going to avoid instagram for the time being, it’s no good for my heart. This is not even a new thing. Let time just settle everything. Honestly I don’t even know what to feel. I just don’t care anymore.

What’s more mortifying, the person himself has no idea that he could cause a storm in someone else’s heart just by one single freaking 'like'.

Darn it. I hate you, me.

songs

Ukulele Cover: Naomi Scott - Speechless

August 30, 2019
By kyrayu
0 Comments

notes

29th Note-Future Plan

August 30, 2019
By kyrayu
0 Comments

Image Source: Blog Aston School

I have to check out my old posts just to know where I am right now. God, it’s not even on the thirties note yet, and it’s already at the end of August.

But honestly, this month is the most productive month I’ve ever been. And also the month I’ve met my turning point.

I’m picking out macramé again, and in the middle of finishing my first macro macramé project. It’ll take more weeks to finish though. I kinda messed up in the beginning, so it’s definitely not my best project. Rather it turns out to be a scary piece. I’ll post that later when I finish the whole thing.

I think I made a lot of micro macramé too, so I guess I’m gonna keep up with the works since it only took me some hours to finish.

And I did cover songs on monthly basis. To be fair, it was the only project I‘d been keeping up with. Numbers do effect me in the end. It’s not that I gain a lot of viewers though.

Well, I haven’t post them here yet, since it won’t be funny if the only things I post were just my ukulele cover video. I can’t record my original songs, and I haven’t made any new song this year. I just couldn’t. The same thing with poetry. I’m not sure if I will write any poems. I’m gonna postpone them for now.

So, for the time being, I’ll post my macramé project and ukulele cover. And may be some notes too.

Now, let’s talk about this future plan thing. And no, those eight paragraphs are just the preface. The thing is just like what I said before; I’ve met my turning point. And with all the drama, shame, guilt, and regrets, with a clear mind and deep thought, I’ve decided to take my life to another level.

And I’m not talking about marriage, alright. It was about my career and my life in general. I can’t continue living in this town. I have to leave.

It’s about time I move forward, living on my own. I can’t keep free-renting in my parents’ house and being supported by them forever. And I’m already this old. I can’t continue living like this.

You see, I’m way too comfortable with my current job which I never thought that I’d be. It’s been less stressful lately and I finally get used to it. Not that I become some pro or anything. It’s just that I’d accepted it. The job which I took unwillingly at first. The job which was offered to me by my mother’s connection. The job that I took for granted.

Well, but the moving out things would happen if I pass the test though. Which is beyond me. I have to study all over again and there’re a lot of competitors too. I wonder if I’ll even pass the first test at all.

Guess I’ll never know until I try it. And it’s time to move forward. I guess I keep burying myself with regrets and shames that I can’t seek out to my friends anymore. But I have enough, It’s been two years already.

notes

28th Note-Holiday

July 22, 2019
By kyrayu
0 Comments

Source: Kununu Blog

It's been a while, hasn't it. Even sometimes I couldn't believe myself that I am currently halfway pass through my holiday of three weeks. This is the second week and all I did was basically nothing.

Yeah, nothing at all.

I want to cry whenever I remember that I tried planning on getting some six-packs in the beginning of my holiday. How dare of you, me, to dream such a thing.

It's a mystery where the hell that idea came from. I mean I even have to struggle to gaining some weights. And I hate any kinds of activity which made me required to go out and pass out.

I think the only time I successfully gaining some weight was during my first vacation of when I started working as a teacher. I was depressed at that time so I did some jogging around our neighborhood which made me end up sitting by the river bank at our infamous local bridge, staring into nothing for hours before going home.

At least I gained some weight before I lose em again when I began working.

And now I know very well why I keep losing weight.

And the end.

That's all there it is to the story of my precious holiday. And now, I've already started working again for a week. Basically I did nothing worth mentioning during my holiday except for painting my bedroom wall black for one side of them. And I did it like the day before my holiday officially started. And I did it so poorly that I had to draw some poor quality drawing of city landscape with crayon. And when I said poorly, I mean it at a kindergarten level of drawing. I'm just that suck at drawing.

What's more I broke my phone, and again.

And I did gain a kilo gram during those time and lose it again when I started working. Just what the hell did I think back then, to get some six-packs all of things.

Honestly this holiday was the first stress-free holiday since forever. May be since 2010 or such. That's why I spent it so leisurely. I did want to go somewhere, like hill-climbing or going around the beaches surrounding our island or such. Because last year fortunately I did both, not exactly, but if once doing hill-climbing and one day of trip to several beaches I'd never visited before counts. But not this time.

I was just, at home. Was a fulltime hermit. I don't even remember what exactly I'd been doing.

And my holidays were just gone with the wind.

notes

27th Note-Regular Nerd

June 11, 2019
By kyrayu
0 Comments

Last month was ridiculously an ok month, I guess. And yeah I've found that there's no point in apologizing anymore. Feeling sorry for myself is not even work anyway. I just feel content.

I just feel nothing.

Empty.

We're empty. May be we're trying, trying too hard.

Ok, agh, it's been a long time after all since I've written something at all. Basically I did nothing worth mentioning this past month. But one post for a month is a bit inconceivable, I guess. I took my lifeless stance a bit too far.

And yet, I'd finished one hell of a test in which where my efforts were going down the drain. I mean I did study you know, in fact a whole night study, and yet none of the things I studied before were coming out during the test. And for some reason it didn't surprise me anymore. It happens too frequent that I've lost my feelings.

It's just that after the test I can't pull myself to write anything in English (the main reason why I haven't posted anything). Since English had let me down. I just can't believe that there were a lot of questions I was unable to answer during the English test. But then again I read a light reading after all. What to expect?

But that's that. Let bygones be bygones.

So, as you can see from the title of this post and the picture above, from this note I just want to clarify some troublesome stuff and I'm actually tired of this misunderstanding, and this whole expectations of me, myself, which I can't fulfill anyway, and I don't want to force myself to fulfill em anymore.

Because I've given up.

I'm tired, dude. I'm way too tired to even start a ~~new love~~.

Ok, fine. sorry about that.

First thing first. I'm not smart. So please stop those overstatement about me being this smart ass person in class who's quiet yet unyielding. God, what even am I talking about? unyielding, huh.

Just because I was pretending to be a wallflower during lessons and gave no question at all to the teachers or lecturers doesn't mean I understand everything. I just didn't know what to ask. I'm that much stupid. And anyway I have this habit to lean on the Internet. I once asked my brother about something related to computer before, and you know what he said? Google it.

Since then I never bothered asking and just google things out.

Though I also admit that I always waited for some certain friends to ask question in our stead during the class. Well, every classes have these special friends who would ask questions we dimwitted snowflakes unable to voice out. I'm always thankful for your participation in class, dude. I still am.

I do love exam though, especially the paper test. It's not because I like competing with the others. It's not about who's getting the higher score, since in a sense during the exam it's not your peers you're against with, it's the test itself. I'm so proud of the elementary six-grader me for discovering this earlier.

Not that I enjoyed studying at all. But I did study a lot before, so saying that I was smart because I passed the test was insulting to the efforts I had to pull off during those hellish session of studying.

Even if I said that, my grades weren't that amazing or anything either you know. So I still wonder why does everyone assume that I was clever at all. Is it about the glasses? Is it the silent mode during classes? Is it because I read?

What's so great about reading manga anyway?

Or does it because I have this indifferent attitude wherever I go?

That was just a mask. I had zero confidence when facing the crowd so I always put on a facade like everything didn't bother me while in fact I was so self conscious of myself so I pretended like I didn't even exist.

My very persona was this pitiful coward you know. So stop overestimating me.

Second. I CAN'T speak Japanese. Like for goodness sake. If I could I would bury the old otaku me for using Japanese greetings a lot with my friends before. It's just greetings though, how could they expect me to be familiar with Japanese language at all. Forget Japanese, let alone English, I'm still stuttering to even speak in my own language.

Alright, I do read manga, with English translation. I also watch a lot of anime, also with English subtitle. So what the hell they have anything to do with me being able to gain Japanese language. Instead, I got to learn English from those activities. And even worse, I can't even differentiate hiragana and katakana.

Third. I'm not an expert in playing any musical instruments. Sure I learn to play guitar before, but I was never an expert of it. The best I could do were just to perform some basic chords. The same with ukulele. I can't play piano, at all. And I'm suck at playing trumpet as well harmonica. I think the best I could play is just recorder.

Fourth. There's nothing about me worth praising at all. Even I myself have realized that I did things half-assedly so I don't expect people to care at all. It's just that being complemented for who and what you're not is too exhausting. The expectations are just too heavy to shoulder and are suffocating me. I am just your regular nerd you could find everywhere, nothing special. All I want to do is just to read my reading list wattpad and manga and light novel and ya novel, and watch k-drama and knowing brother series and anime and movie, and working from home without having to associate with people at all. If I could just live this leisure kind of life, it would be great. Then again dream is supposed to be big, right?

notes

26th Note-A Cup of Tea (Random Talk Part III)

May 11, 2019
By kyrayu
0 Comments

Intermezzo (Image Source: https://www.mindful.org/mindful-cup-tea)

Here we go. Random talk part III. First I do feel bad for not posting anything this past week. And I'm so sorry for myself for not fulfilling my monthly postings last month and this month too because of various reasons. You see I have a lot of things I want to do but and I was desperate to realize all this things on my lists. See, things like the things that I want to do in the past but was unable to do because I thought too highly of myself and was too greedy for my own good which made me forget one thing.

I'm just a freaking weak human being. There's things I could and couldn't do. I should know my limits better than anybody. I should know when to give up. This was such an irony. I was the most pessimistic when it came to anything else but my own ability. I hate you, me.

And it was already gloomy even from the very beginning. As expected of me. May be because I haven't had a cup of tea yet.

Honestly speaking, I'm not in a really good condition right now. I swear I won't consummate any instant noodles anymore this month. Because the last time I did I felt my stomach was going to explode. And it still hurts till this moment. Well that’s not the only reason, though. I am definitely am currently in my shrinking moment. I know this feeling too well. Might as well enjoy it. I think I could make a lot of dark poems at this moment.

The reason? Well, I’m not in love.

Okay, Fine. I’ll stop. This phrase is getting rather old.

I’m about to face another war today. A war I was unable to win last year. And I’m anxious. And depressed. And panic. And cold. And exhausted. And sleepless. And am so scared. God, all I want to do right now is just balling my eyes out. And I haven’t even faced the war yet.

How did I pass through this feeling again. I wonder. May be by stop listening to dark songs like Lovely by Billie Eillish.

And what again that I want to say,

Well, this is what I actually wrote some weeks ago in April before I went to shutdown. It's not thing serious really, just some awful episodes of my mental health issue which I'd rather not to talk about at this rate, because it was just really awful and talking about it won't make any difference at all.

Because I'd walked through it.

And to my surprise, I felt nothing afterward. Instead, I fell for another series of shutdown and this time I couldn't even point out the reason for these overwhelming ugly feelings. I was just sad for nothing. Having nightmares, existential crisis, and panic attack for no particular reason at all. I shouldn't wary of my feelings, yes, right. Not that I could dodge em anyway.

And let's just move on anyway.

Honestly I still feel bad for not posting daily anymore, I just couldn't fulfill the quota and started rethinking the very reason why I started blogging in the first place.

The idea was to express what I couldn't express either through some notes, songs, crafts, poems and etc. And now I'm pretty sure couldn't do them when I was having my shutdown moment. I don't want to make this blog become my trash dump and change it into a private blog later on just like what I did to my previous blogs (because they were way too dark and way too personal). So I'm sorry for not keeping my promises. But please understand.

And another thing is I'm honestly kinda surprised that my ukulele cover gained more viewers than this blog. It was rather unexpected and I don't even know what to say. Sure it's great and all, but it was just sad. I should be thankful though. I couldn't even dream to surpass a thousand viewers before (a hundred was already great for me). It was just crazy. I just hope that I wouldn't get blinded by numbers. There's nothing good coming from the quantity of numbers. Just take it easy. And do what you like to do, me. Anyway Thank you for visiting my ukulele cover on youtube and for liking and disliking em and as well leaving some comments there. It means so much for someone like me.

And lastly, thank you for reading this post and keeping up with me. There's a lot I want to say, but I'd rather talk about them in another post because I'm afraid I couldn't word them out better. And have a nice fasting for my Muslims fellows.