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| So much for being an otaku girl lol. I used this pict because I introduced my self to him as an otaku back then. Sorry May Linn, even though you're such a badass character. Image Source: Kuroshitsuji Anime |
Just when I thought I would never talk about romance, I'm just about to do it right here, right now. So, I was kinda having this idea after I came back from a personal blog of a senior from my college. I kinda admire her as a person, she was a cool senior who's not only bright but also a hard worker when it came to fulfilling her dreams. And in her blog she talked a lot about her unrequited love that I could really relate to. I feel like we're comrade. But surely I'm the only one who thought that way. I doubt she even realize that I exist. And I am just about to plagiarize her idea (sorry).
I'm sorry senior, but I'm not sorry. Because for this guy, I even had to pour all my feelings in some blogs, poems, and songs. In other words, I'm a psycho you'd wish to stay away from. And now I'm getting scared of myself.
But before I proceed, I have to thank my senior. Thank you senior. It was only after I read your blog that I dare my self to talk about this guy here. Before, I only talked about him in a private blog.
So, this is gonna be about November part 2. lol.
Well, it's not like I have another choice you know. He was like the last person I had liked romantically (I can't mention the word lo** since he's gonna hate me) these past 7 years. Wait. What the hell. I don't even notice that it's been that long. This record is just sick. God, I don't know I was that stupid.
So, how did I came to know him? He was a junior a year below me in college. We had same major and I don't think we'd ever shared the same class in this matter. I just somewhat knew him because the girls, the female creatures in my class made a fuss about him and his friend. And my friend was a fan of his friend. And this guy and his friend somewhat always stuck together and were standout since he was tall and his friend was quite short (sorry). And they were quite the lookers as well.
Nah, it was not a love at first sight. At first I didn't give a damn about a junior since at that time I was occupied with another unrequited love with a senior a year above my grade (I really need a doctor). Darn it, this is way too embarrassing. I need a pause. I'm going to explode with all this shameful past.
Let's move on. To shorten up the story, one day, one ordinary day, I accept the invitation of my best friend to join her in a certain club (you think I would tell the name of the club? No. And would never, honey. I won't dig my own grave though I just did). Usually I would never join her in a club because I couldn't stand new people and I hate socializing. When she had to join the club, I would then just sat by crossing my leg on the chair in the corridor and wrote my cursed diary or just typed some random lyrics on my phone until she finished with her club activity. But that day, I didn't know what's really gotten into me, I finally joined the club which then led me to my doomed.
You're right. He was also in the same club. Now I know what it means people could die out of embarrassment.
Tell ya, the club was fine, and we also had some fun game at that time where that guy and his friends hid some stuff and we had to find them. The thing is, hide and seek was and always be my strong point. So our group could find almost all of the stuff hidden (I don't remember the detail). So after we'd done with the game, that guy just came to me to ask where I found the dictionary which I answered shortly. I guess he was the one who hid it, since the place he's hidden it was quite high. After that we just sat there awkwardly since there's nothing to talk about. And I think I kinda ignored him and acted cold. I'm so sorry for being such a useless and proud person. I'm still suck at conversation. I hated you, me.
I think it was the beginning of everything. Honestly, I was really glad that he approached and talked to me first. I could not see that coming and was surprised that some new people would talk to me at all, because aside from my classmate I didn't talk to other people much. So let's just say that I was really shy that I got blank and couldn't come up with what to say next. So I'm sorry.
It's not that I fell for him right away but I have to admit that I was kinda interested in him. So I started adding him as a friend on facebook and liking his posts as well (I guess he pretty much knew that I kinda stalked him, because he once called me thumbelina since I shamelessly consistently liked his posts). Then one day, he commented on one of my posts, and then I started commenting in his post about a certain band which we both liked (the irony though), and then we started chatting, and I shared him my embarrassing original songs, and more chattings, more waitings, and then one day it just stopped. Because I realized later that I was the one who initiated the conversation first. And since the first time I talked to him I always had to be careful of what I said to him and I always checked the internet for the topic we were talking about. I was afraid that I would mess things up and made him hate me (which was stupid of me, because I was not even on the list, and it's not even his fault). I realized that it was never going to work. I was only a senior for him and nothing else. And once again, it's not his fault.
So we just stopped contacting each other. I also stopped liking his post as well. But my feelings for him just growing stronger beyond my control. Then after years passed, he updated a picture of him with his girlfriend.
I was devastated. I thought that it wouldn't matter to me if he already had a special someone. But I was wrong. I don't know that I had such a small heart back then. I shut my self away, shut him from my life. I even replied him coldly when he commented on my post which I regret so much until this day.
Almost forgot to mention, I did met him a few times after, since we're in the same college. There was time that I met him and he seemed startled and got paled like he was seeing a ghost. Which made me think that he was scared of me. Poor guy. May be he finally realized that I was sick in the head.
And last year, when he just liked one of my ukulele cover video on instagram, I don't know why, but I got really angry at him. I thought that he was pitying me since I hadn't updated stuff and I know that he's not into K-Pop so I said something hurtful about him on my twitter account. And I'm sorry for that as well. I'm sorry that he got to know a psycho senior like me who had a weak and small heart and couldn't stand being unwanted. I'm sorry for becoming such an ugly memory for him. If I could, I wish to erase my existence from his memory. Well, just kidding. I shouldn't think too highly of myself. I doubt that he even remember me. lol.
These past 7 years, I'd lived wishing to have a glance of his appearance wherever I go. These past 7 years, I hoped he would text me or call me or just coincidentally meet me. This past 7 years, I had lived with my undying feelings for him, unable to fall in love with another man. This past 7 years, I nurtured my unrequited love for him without him ever noticed my feelings. And after 7 years, I gave up on him. And after 7 years, I have moved on. 😊
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