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I've come to the state where I just don't want to care about what would happen next to me. I stop expecting things, stop overthinking about it, and let what happen happens. I've learnt that things will not always go my way. I can't always be in control, and it's alright. I'm just a weak human, and it's a very human things. I'm not perfect, nothing is, I won't expect my self or anybody, or anything to be perfect, cause you see, expectation is a cold-blooded murderer.
I'm just living on my own pace, I guess. At least I'm fine now. I am in balance, and that's all good for me. I still have this fear that one day calamity will come to me and take everything away from me. Honestly, I'm scared.
But time does not care, right?
And I shouldn't care as well.
After all, we and everything else are just temporary. And we own nobody and nothing. So I guess, I just have to live on until the time I have to be gone. Just live. Like this. YOLO 😎
I've been through a lot. Well, who hasn't? There are some traumatic events which caused me to have this everlasting nightmare and made me view myself for the worst. It took me years to heal. Some of my scars are done healed, some are on the way to be cured, some just stay the way they were.
But I guess it's fine after all. They made me up. They are parts of me.
But I guess it's fine after all. They made me up. They are parts of me.
There is one specific event which made me lose all my self esteem. And it took me like 12 years to let it go. Because of this event I have lived hating myself for more than a decade. The funny thing is nothing special happened at the day I let things go. It's just one ordinary day, I suddenly came to a realization, and like magic all my worries, all my hatreds, and all my guilt were just gone. I came to term with myself and moved on.
And beside that, there were also things like my unrequited love stories. And mind you, I have several of them. I'm not the type to easily fall in love. But when I do, it would take me like a couple of years to move on (the shortest was 3 years). May be I'm just a masochist.
You see, just don't be kind to me, I might fall for you.lol
And I've never been in a relationship before and now I don't expect myself to be engaged in such relationship at all. Which I guess caused all the rumors about me being abnormal. And just want to tell ya, I did fall in love with some people before, and I'm pretty sure I'm a straight girl. The last time I check, all my crushes are male creatures.
It's a lie though if I said I never wanted to be in a relationship. After all growing up as teenager reading shoujo manga had it's own perks. It's not that I'm abnormal. I was just way too shy, and way too suck at communication. And on top of that I was ugly (and I still am). And you wanted a boyfriend, old me? Dream on, girl.
And beside that, there were also things like my unrequited love stories. And mind you, I have several of them. I'm not the type to easily fall in love. But when I do, it would take me like a couple of years to move on (the shortest was 3 years). May be I'm just a masochist.
You see, just don't be kind to me, I might fall for you.lol
And I've never been in a relationship before and now I don't expect myself to be engaged in such relationship at all. Which I guess caused all the rumors about me being abnormal. And just want to tell ya, I did fall in love with some people before, and I'm pretty sure I'm a straight girl. The last time I check, all my crushes are male creatures.
It's a lie though if I said I never wanted to be in a relationship. After all growing up as teenager reading shoujo manga had it's own perks. It's not that I'm abnormal. I was just way too shy, and way too suck at communication. And on top of that I was ugly (and I still am). And you wanted a boyfriend, old me? Dream on, girl.
Well forget about that, after all my crushes were all just way too out of my league. Sometimes I want to turn back the time and telling my old self to stop reading shoujo manga. Silly old me. Your expectations were just to high, girl. There's no way some handsome boy would take a notice and fall in love with an ugly-quiet-timid-cold-questionably normal kind of a girl. That's so shoujo manga. Universe doesn't work that way.
Put the joke aside, I was used to have this complex feelings about myself. I hated myself and I thought that I'm unworthy of anybody's. So that's mostly the reason why I never try to confess and just hid my feelings away.
And now, rather than having myself experience romance, I'd rather choose shipping people (and characters) instead. That's way more fun. And safe for my heart. After all, I'm currently on the process of moving on from my old crush. Seriously, I shouldn't contact him online. It made it harder to move on from him. But nah, things are fine now. I hope he's fine as well. He might be regretting having anything to do with me. Told ya, don't be kind to me. I might fall for you. And you might regret it.
So basically saying, time mostly have healed me. I've grown to accept my flawed self and forgave what I have to forgive. Time have healed and mended my broken heart again and again. There are still things I'm unable to recover from and things I'm still scared of. May be it would take me years to heal. But one day, I believe, one ordinary day, just like magic, poof! They all will be gone.
Finally, have more faith in your God and yourself. Allow time to heal you. Allow yourself to be healed.
Put the joke aside, I was used to have this complex feelings about myself. I hated myself and I thought that I'm unworthy of anybody's. So that's mostly the reason why I never try to confess and just hid my feelings away.
And now, rather than having myself experience romance, I'd rather choose shipping people (and characters) instead. That's way more fun. And safe for my heart. After all, I'm currently on the process of moving on from my old crush. Seriously, I shouldn't contact him online. It made it harder to move on from him. But nah, things are fine now. I hope he's fine as well. He might be regretting having anything to do with me. Told ya, don't be kind to me. I might fall for you. And you might regret it.
So basically saying, time mostly have healed me. I've grown to accept my flawed self and forgave what I have to forgive. Time have healed and mended my broken heart again and again. There are still things I'm unable to recover from and things I'm still scared of. May be it would take me years to heal. But one day, I believe, one ordinary day, just like magic, poof! They all will be gone.
Finally, have more faith in your God and yourself. Allow time to heal you. Allow yourself to be healed.
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